Being Mom

Some days it's just plain hard to be a mom. When your baby is teething, irritable, and inconsolable, when he won't eat or drink or sleep in someone else's arms. When your toddler is bouncing off the walls yelling and screaming, just when the baby fell asleep and waking him up. Or when your little one falls asleep on the floor for a short nap only to awake because the baby started wailing when you tried to put him down while he slept. Then your toddler has a full on melt down wailing in pain from flat feet and growing pains. Or when he says he's hungry and asks you for the fiftieth time if his food is done and you say, no sweetie I will let you know. Then he cries because he wants to be the one to announce that it's done. Your house is a mess even though you do dishes, laundry, sweeping/moping, vacuuming, and picking up toys. You feel like you just finished lunch and it's time to start dinner.

In these moments I try to remember that God's grace is enough, He will equip me with what I need to be mom and wife. He will fill the gaps and do what I can't. I also try to be grateful, because somewhere out there someone has it worse. Someone is trying to have a baby and can't, someone adopted or is in the process if adopting and can't yet hold their crying child, or fill their empty tummies, or make their hurts go away. Somewhere there is a mom aching for the child she has lost far sooner than she expected or a mom who's child is far away fighting a battle that I rarely even think about, but that comes at so high a price. 

Then I am thankful, then I am convicted, then I hear my Lord's gentle rebuke. I am a mom, I am blessed, I am grateful for the trials, because it reminds me that God has given me so much more than I deserve. 

Flats and Handwashing Challenge

If you know me at all you will know how much I love cloth diapers. I originally started out with my first child a couple months before he turned two. I tried china cheapies first and loved them right away and I figured it was a great way to save money. Little did I know I would soon get lost in all the cute prints and neat styles and end up with a huge stash. My son outgrew all the one size diapers pretty quickly so I started making my own larger diapers as well. It can be addicting.

Last year just before I had baby number 2, I came across a Facebook group called the "Flats and Handwashing Challenge". This group is affiliated with the Dirty Diaper Laundry blog (http://dirtydiaperlaundry.com) and is basically all about getting back to the basics and showing others that cloth diapers are not only for the wealthy, the old fashioned, or the "crunchy" mamas, but is a wonderful alternative for families struggling to make ends meet and spending money on disposables instead of another necessity. Many families leave their child in a disposable diaper for far longer than is recommended or even healthy. Some families scrape the diapers "clean" and reuse them. This challenge aims to spread the word that there is a better option!

Women from various walks of life come together and spend a week using the traditional flat cloth diapers, with covers, and handwashing the diapers during the 7 days if the challenge. We try to keep our diaper stash as minimal and low-cost as possible, sometimes even free. We use washboards, camp style washers (a five gallon bucket and a plunger), or our hands to scrub the diapers clean. We dry them on a drying rack, clothes lines, crib rails, hangers, or any other item that we can drape the diapers over. We use t-shirts, receiving blankets, flannel material, flat cloth diapers, flour sack towels, and whatever else we can come up with to make a diaper. Pins or other diaper fasteners are optional. Covers can be plastic pants, fleece, modern diaper covers from PUL/TPU, or even coverless around the house.

Rules for the challenge can be found here: http://dirtydiaperlaundry.com/sign-up-for-the-4th-annual-flats-and-handwashing-challenge/

Surprisingly the challenge isn't so bad, it can be difficult if you end up with lots of rain and humidity, if you aren't feeling well, if your child suddenly has to poop several times a day, or if you have to travel, but that is also the beauty of it. If someone needs to do this because they can't afford disposables and may not have a washer or dryer, these are all chalkenges they might face. We learn to adapt and come out of it knowing that if we ever needed to, or if  we find someone who says I couldn't because...we can say here is what you do.

The Facebook group is where we share our thoughts, struggles, pictures, troubleshoot ideas, and keep in touch during the challenge. Check it out and consider joining is next year for the challenge. If you have friends and loved ones facing financial hardships and unable to afford diapers please encourage them to consider cloth diapers. There are many agencies who provide low cost or free diapers to families in need. You can make a diaper out of almost any piece of cloth. Where there is a will there is a way!

Baby K's Pregnancy & Birth Story (VBAC)

It has been a year since I Gave birth to my second child and in honor of his birthday, I decided to finally share his birth story. I wrote it a while ago so here it is.

It has been a little over six weeks since my sweet boy came into the world and I am already beginning to forget the details, so I figure I had better write it down now before I forget any more. After I had my first son by c-section which was a total surprise and rather disappointing since I fully expected to have a natural birth, I decided that the second time around I wanted to do a v-bac. I hoped and prayed for it, did all I could to research my options and prepared as much as possible. My Doctor was very supportive, she told me the risks and was willing to answer any questions I might have. I made sure most of what I read, my sister, who was to be one of my support people, read also, so if need be she could help me ask the right questions, so I could make good decisions. I couldn't  my husband as my support in that way because I knew I wouldn't be up to translating everything into Spanish during labor. The goal was a safe healthy natural delivery.

 I knew from last time that I didn't want to bother with a birth plan, we all knew what I wanted, no c-section! I figured what is the point, I have not seen many cases where people were actually able to follow their birth plan, too many things can happen, what I wanted was simple, and why make a nice list of hopes and dreams just to have it stuffed in a file or thrown away. I was open to pain meds but was hoping to wait until at least 5 cm, because my research had told me that by then, an epidural wasn't likely to stall labor or increase chances of a section. I hoped my husband would cut the cord but he was hesitant about the idea so whatever ended up happening would happen. Holding the baby right away would be a given it seemed if I had my natural birth so I wasn't worried about that either. Everything was pretty straight forward, so no birth plan.

We decided that DH would take a week off work when baby arrived, my sister had more time off available so she was going to stay with me when it got close to time for baby to come. I didn't really expect him to come early as I was a week over due with baby #1 and never went into labor or had much for contractions. As I reached 38 weeks of pregnancy I was having more frequent and consistent contractions, but nothing to get my hopes up. My seasonal employment had ended so I was able to spend some quality time at home with my little man before everything changed. Friday, May 3, I had an appointment with my OB, she said we were measuring big so she wanted me to have an ultrasound Monday, to see baby and get a weight estimate, if they estimated his weight for over 8.8lbs then she said we would have to have a serious talk about a repeat cesarean. I was so bummed, I felt like it was over already, but I tried to keep my chin up and do whatever I could to have my baby before then. On Saturday, May 4, my mom came over to take DS and I to the mall, to walk around, hoping to encourage more contractions. I did have lots of contractions, I was worn out by the time we were done and we still had to go to wal-mart. When we got home I decided I really wanted no bake cookies, so mom made some and I ate a bunch. I took a short nap, then got up to make dinner and was having lots of contractions every time I moved. I felt really sick to my stomach all of a sudden and kept having to use the restroom, which I knew could be a sign of labor. I kept feeling worse and worse, so I called my sister to tell her what was going on and see what she thought. She said she would come down since DH was leaving for work soon, and she would take me to the hospital so they could check me out and we would go from there. After talking with her I felt even sicker, she called back to tell me to call the Dr. and run it by her, but I could barely talk I was so nauseous and didn't want to have to talk while sitting on the toilet, so she agreed to call.

After hanging up I threw up, what a way to ruin no bake cookies! I decided I should shower and shave my legs, just in case I was in early labor, my husband also decided to take the night off because I was such a mess. After showering I felt a lot better and my contractions had slowed so I thought it was a false alarm and even told my sister not to come and that I felt dumb going to the hospital with nothing happening. She was already on her way and had called the hospital ahead so she said we would go, at least they could check me and see if I had made any progress. While I waited, I paced, trying to get my contractions going again. We went to the hospital and found that my Dr. was the one on call and she was already there delivering babies, I was so excited and really hoped she would deliver. After hooking me up to monitors, they thought I should have a bag of fluids as I had been to the bathroom so much and had thrown up. The nurse tried to put in the needle, but failed and I had a bad feeling about her from the moment she started telling me what she was going to do, so I didn't really want her to try again. After talking with the other nurse more, she talked to the Dr. and they decided I could try to just hydrate by drinking and wait on the IV until it was necessary. They checked me and said I was a 2cm and said my symptoms and contractions on the monitor could be labor, but they wanted me to walk for an hour and see what happened. We walked lots of laps and contractions got stronger, a couple made me stop in my tracks. When they checked me again I was 3cm so my OB said I was officially in labor, though the very early stage. She gave me a choice, bearing in mind that I do have a uterine scar, I could either stay, or go home an labor at home until I was ready to come back. We decided home was better, I could rest and move and do what I wanted, in my own clothes and my own bed. On the way out, we tried to leave the way we came in, but they said we had to "go around" to a different door. Let me tell you, that is a long walk, I swear its at least a mile and by then my contractions were getting pretty intense again, the more I walked the worse they were, I had to stop several times, which made leaving take forever. I think we got home around 2am, I slept on the couch so hubby could sleep in the bed with DS and I could move around as needed through the night. It took a while to fall asleep because of contractions, but when I woke up around 6 they had stopped. I really wanted my Dr. to deliver and she was on call again on Sunday so we got right up and started walking. All day Sunday we walked, some with my sister, then DH would take a turn. I carried water with me and walked until I couldn't stand it, then would go inside and sit on my exercise ball, kneel laying over it, sit on the floor, anything I could to try to open my pelvis. After a half hour to an hour I would go walk some more. I couldn't eat much, I felt nauseous and nothing sounded good. I had lots of contractions, walking would make them worse, but I would rest and they would slow or stop. I was having them 7-8 min apart while walking and immediately after but then they would slow. I must have walks several miles, I was so tired and sore, my mom came when they got strong in the afternoon, to stay with DS, but they kept slowing. Finally around 5 or 6 pm I decided I was done walking, I was exhausted and sore, and annoyed that nothing was happening, and that I probably wouldn't get my Dr. to deliver. DH stayed home that night too, just in case. Monday, my sister took the day off and I had some contractions, but again nothing to get my hopes up for. I went in for my ultrasound and we got some great pictures, baby boy was measuring around 7.11 what a relief! They wouldn't push for a section yet. I had another appointment coming up on Friday but I was hoping I wouldn't make it.

Monday evening my sister went back home so she could work the next morning. Tuesday I had steady contractions for hours then they would stop. At night they got stronger, so I called my sister to come stay with me. Wednesday, I had no contractions at all, I figured labor had completely stopped and that I was probably not going to have baby early. My sister decided to head home, she didn't want to use up all over her vacation time before baby arrived and planed to work the next day. As soon as she drove away I started having contractions. They were the most painful I'd had yet, but still weren't unbearable. I called her when she was half way home, she laughed and said "oh well, I'm not coming back until you are ready to go to the hospital, because every time I do, contractions stop." I decided to go to bed when DH got up to eat dinner around 9pm. I was able to fall asleep so the contractions had eased up, yet again. At 11:00 after DH had left for work I rolled over to check on DS and turn off his portable DVD player because he was asleep. Once I rolled over I got a really painful contraction. A couple minutes later I had another and knew that this was the real deal. I texted my sister, since I only had about 15 min of time left on my phone, so I didn't want to use it, in case I needed it for an emergency. After a few minutes with no reply I decided I had better call. Once she answered I said "I think you better get here, and bring mom" so she could stay with DS. I continued having contractions pretty close together so I decided to try to get up, I didn't bother to time them, I knew they were close enough. I went to grab a couple things to have them ready, I dragged my suitcase out and then went to the bathroom. I thought I might shower or something but it was too painful. I undressed from the waist down and sat on the toilet with my legs spread wide, again trying to open my pelvis, and this seemed more comfortable. The contractions were getting pretty bad, I remember squeezing my knee trying to focus on something other than the contraction and reminding myself to breathe, mainly because that's what you do in labor, though I couldn't imagine why it mattered. At some point I called DH and told him it was time and finish work as soon as he could, I reassured him I would be fine and that my mom and sister were on the way. I wast texting my mom, telling her how much it hurt and that I didn't know how much longer I could do this, and she told me to call an ambulance, which I didn't want to do. I didn't want to scare DS and I didn't know what they would do with him, there was no one to stay with him. She called me and told me to call but I wouldn't and said I couldn't waste my minutes. She said she would be there in 10 min or so. I remember thinking oh gosh, the door is locked, how will I get up to let her in? I have to unlock the door now! I also texted my sister to tell her to call ahead to the hospital and tell them I was on my way in and that I wanted an epidural so be ready to get me one. I was thinking I may not be to 5cm yet, I imagined I would still be at 2, but I knew if it got worse than this, then I couldn't handle it so I wanted an epidural asap!

I got up between contractions and ran to unlock the door which is like 15 steps away from the bathroom, then ran back to sit on the toilet before another contraction came, I barely made it, so that tells you they were pretty close together. A few minutes later my mom showed up and told me to get in the car and went to get DS out of bed, she grabbed some clothes for him, I got dressed and we got in the car. Thankfully the hospital is only about 15 minutes away in heavy traffic, there wasn't any because it was about midnight by the time we left. We did seem to hit every red light of course, I was squirming and squeezing the door handle the whole way. We finally arrived and I managed to walk myself in so mom could park and bring DS inside. I went in and told them who I was, and hoped that they would put me in a wheelchair fast. They did and wheeled me to the elevator which seemed to take forever to bring the nurse. The security guard an I sat there in awkward silence, waiting, occasionally I groaned with pain. The nurse took me and said I should probably stop drinking my water in case I needed a c-section, especially since I was a v-bac. I wasn't drinking it anyway, I was in too much pain, I just always take my water bottle with me, everywhere. Then she said "Oh I remember you, your the one whose first baby was over 9lbs and your husband was a big baby right? We were talking about you at the nurses station." Great, good to know they all thought I was crazy. I got to the room and she told me to get changed, they would check me out and see if they were going to keep me. I knew I wasn't going anywhere. I was changed and in the bed by 12:10am May 9th. A nurse came in and started hooking me up to monitors, asking questions, putting my info on the computer, all the while I begged for my epidural. She said they were working on it, but they had to do some blood work first, get me a bag of fluids, have me checked, and monitor my contractions to make sure I was really in labor. It seemed to take forever, I remember grabbing the bed rails every time I had a contraction and pulling on it until the contraction eased. At some point my mom, DS, and sister arrived, they talked to me, I tried to act normal for DS, but he knew I was in pain and said, "Baby hurt mama, baby hurt mama." So I asked them to take him out. My sister stayed offering to help, asking if I wanted my ipod or anything, trying to be supportive. I remember rolling my head back and forth across my pillow saying no, all I wanted was an epidural, though I wasn't sure how I would ever hold still for one. They kept taking my bed rails away to do blood work, or the iv or something, which drove me crazy, that was how I was getting through the contractions, concentrating on pulling on those. The nurse put in an IV, I bled everywhere, once that was done I asked for the rail back. Then eventually somone came from the lab to draw blood for some reason, they gave me a pink bracelet, which he said I could use as an accessory and make it match, I think it was because I am RH negative and would need a shot after delivery so my body wouldn't produce antibodies against my baby, if he was RH positive. Who cares if I can accessorize, still no epidural.

Finally, the midwife came in to check me, she had just finished delivering another baby, I remember thinking it was strange that there wasn't a doctor because I wasn't allowed to have a midwife for prenatal care, where I was trying for a vbac. I had asked for a pillow to put under one hip, trying to get more comfortable, my back and tailbone hurt. I was feeling my contractions both in front and back. After a couple of minutes the nurse said I had to come back to laying on my back because baby didn't like that position, his heart rate dropped to eighty something. It was really hard to move back to my back during a contraction and it wasn't that far. The midwife said I was 7 cm with a bulging bag of waters and asked if I wanted her to break my water. I was relieved to be at 7 cm and said no I just wanted my epidural, which she assured me was on the way. My sister called my husband to tell them that he had about 30 min until baby arrived and get here when he could, we had no clue how long it would be but she didn't want him to drive crazy and get into trouble (we found out later that he was already almost home so he stopped at home to use the bathroom and change clothes before heading to the hospital!) We all hoped he would arrive in time, but the midwife was doubtful. She said breaking my water would not slow me down or harm anything in any way. I said just do whatever, but she insisted that she wouldn't do anything I didn't want her to and I would have to say yes first. I asked if it would hurt, I definitely didn't want any more pain. Said said no, if anything it would feel better because it would relive the pressure. She broke my water as she warned that it would feel like I had wet myself, then said oh good, finally, its clear for the first time today. I don't remember the contractions getting any stronger or anything, I just knew I still wanted my epidural and my IV bag was finally empty. The midwife told me to let her know if I felt the urge to push, which I did, not long after she broke my water. I just said I need to poop, which they said meant I needed to push. I was determined I was going to get an epidural but she said it was going to be a race between the anesthesiologist and the baby so I might as well go ahead and push, an epidural wouldn't help anyway because I had to feel it to be able to push. I did not want to push but I felt the urge so I tried a couple times as they were getting all the tools laid out, it hurt so I stopped, which wasn't easy but I didn't like the new pain. I couldn't believe she wanted me to push, I knew I was supposed to get to 10cm first. As I kept progressing I really didn't want to push but my body did it for me. It would start to really burn and I would make myself stop, they told me when you feel that burn you need to push through it, easy for them to say! At least they weren't coaching me to push, just letting me listen to my body, we had just read an article about coached vs body lead pushing that day and were hoping for this. I told them I couldn't over and over but they would always say yes you can, you can do this. I wanted my husband. They kept lifting up my legs which I resisted, it made the contractions worse and was so uncomfortable. The midwife commented, look at this, isn't this incredible, she's not even pushing, her body is doing it for her, isn't it wonderful. I would kind of grunt and growl as I pushed involuntarily. My sister got out the camera as it looked like DH wouldn't make it in time, but there was no memory card, how did I miss that? She decided she would run out to the car to get her camera. They told me they could see baby's head. A few minutes later, which seems a lot longer when you are trying not to push and wait for people to get there, my sister came running in with my husband, thank God he made it. He took my hand and I finally started helping my body push, I just wanted it to be over. The midwife tried to help my body stretch in between pushes and as I pushed. I pushed a couple times and felt baby's head come out completely. I pushed once more and he shot out, good thing the midwife was ready! He was born at 1:44am. Instantly the contractions stopped, thank GOD! They put him on my chest and I just kept saying "my baby, my baby!" He pooped and his lower back and bottom were very black so they cleaned that up and let me hold him for a few minutes. DH decided to cut the cord once it was done pulsing. I wanted to keep holding him and looking at him but I felt weak, my arms were tired from straining to pull the bed rails, I was afraid I would drop him. They asked to take him to clean him up and DH went with him. They pulled out the placenta, gave me some shots to numb me so they could stitch me up, then left so my mom and son could come in and see baby for a few minutes. DS had to be carried because we forgot to bring shoes and socks. Baby K weighed in at 8lbs 3 oz and 20 and 3/4 inches with his cone head, so she said he would get a little shorter. My mom, DS and sister left to go home. The midwife said she was slow but good so be patient, she stitched me up and every time she touched me I flinched, she kept having to tell me to let my legs relax out to the sides.

It was truly an amazing experience, I couldn't believe I had done it, and without pain meds, though not by choice, it was still something to be proud of! Everyone congratulated me and said I gave other women who want a vbac hope. I would definitely do it again in a heartbeat, recovery is so much easier, though that whole day I had to be taken to the bathroom every time I went because I passed out once I reached the bathroom more than once. I felt so relieved to have had a natural delivery, it was beautiful and empowering, I know I am much stronger than I thought. Looking back the contractions were no where near what I imagined they would be, I expected them to get way worse by the end. I just knew I did not want to feel worse, so I begged for my epidural. In the end I am glad I never got it.